Is it wrong for two people who are engaged to be married, to live under the same roof?

Q: “Is it wrong for two people who are engaged to be married, to live under the same roof (in the same house to save time and money) even if they have separate bedrooms, and have no sexual relations until married?” 

A: The simple answer is that we would say not to do it.  You will not find a direct prohibition in the Bible since this option would not culturally have been even thinkable at the time it was written.  The Bible was written to a culture that was very protective of the young women in their families and villages.   A young man would agree to a marriage and then spend the next year preparing a home for him and his bride (this was a betrothal, like an engagement).  This was a time of waiting, in every sense of the word.  Historically, most societies have had some traditions built into how they protect woman and prepare a young couple for marriage.  Our current society has abandoned the ones that existed culturally prior to the middle of the past century.  So many people are asking these questions in a near vacuum.  25 years ago, I might have asked you if your parents would agree to the arrangement (a rhetorical question in those days).  But we are in the second and third generations of a permissive society, so perhaps they would be fine with it.  Here are the issues:

1.       Self-Control – a couple that intends to marry is going to be increasingly drawn to one another physically (if not, there is something amiss).  To put themselves in such a vulnerable position in the privacy of their own home is an invitation to give in to desires.  Our experience as a church is that the couples who have done this almost always succumb at some point, and then feel disappointed that they did not remain committed to waiting.

2.       Honoring of Parents – as noted above, this may not be a big deal to many parents in this day and age.  But if the parents do object, the right thing for the couple to do is to take them seriously and honor them.  Granted, some family relationships can be very broken and this might not seem like a very compelling reason.  But assuming there are some good relationships with the parents, their concerns should be taken seriously.  “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12).  This is a command with a promise that it will go well with you.  Parents can be a great blessing to a couple.  Families are for life.  If living together brings disapproval or stress to the family relationships, then the larger family should be considered. 

3.       Appearance of Evil – A man who loves his bride should be concerned with protecting her honor.  He should seek every means possible to be sure that she is above reproach before believers and non-believers.  If this causes some temporary challenge financially or with respect to time, it is worth it.  It establishes a pattern of respect that will be very important to the marriage.  Even if they remain chaste, they have a witness to a world that is reticent to believe it.  They are in effect saying that living together is fine for Christians. We would also desire that your wedding day would be celebrated without reservation by all your family and friends...knowing that the vows you are exchanging be fore witnesses in church are sincere and not merely the pretending of hypocrites. We want the people at your wedding to know that you are different from the world, that your strongest love is for Jesus Christ and that your lives are surrendered to him alone, not to personal convenience. We want that confidence to start in your own hearts!

4.       Missing Out – our experience is that people who make this decision do so out of a compromise (time and money versus a biblical approach).  There is great spiritual and relational growth for couples who work through those challenges and remain committed to one another’s honor (and the avoidance of irresistible temptations and an appearance of evil).  A short cut might save a few hours and a few bucks, but result in missing out on how God would have a couple grow stronger together. 

I hope this helps you to frame the issue from a biblical perspective. Pastor Greg posted an answer to a very similar question on this blog dated January 13, 2011 (http://b4answers.blogspot.com/2011/01/is-it-ok-to-live-together-to-save-money.html?showComment=1295053645208#c7171192169152675773). 
Let us know if you have additional questions.

Blessings
Mark

Where are the New Answers?

Dear "Bible Answers" Readers,
We are so glad that so many of you have continued to read this blog for answers and direction over this past year...despite the lack of any new postings. We thought you might like a brief explanation.

The Bad News: For those of you who have wondered why there has been no new activity on this blog for the last year...in May of 2011 we had to reorganize our church staff in order to move strongly into the next phase of our ministry as a church, and at the same time to make cuts in order to live within our budget. As a result, there was a sizable staff lay-off, this included the pastor who was responsible for posting the answers to this blog (Greg). There were some comments added to some particular postings over the last year, but no fresh content posts.

The Good News: I (Greg) have been contracting with the church to provide content for two other blogs supporting Pastor Randy's excellent sermon series on Luke: Jesus for Everyone. One blog provides background information as well as study questions to go along with sermon notes and introductory videos that were shot on site in Israel in Nov.-Dec. 2011 that can be viewed at http://jesus4everyone.blogspot.com/. The second blog also supports our study in Luke and contains my own Bible journaling on the relevant passages each week which can be read at http://b4lukejournal.blogspot.com/.

The Future: We intend to provide new content on this blog with some regularity going forward, as people ask questions at “Ask a Pastor” with regularity as circumstances allow. There have been a number of questions asked and answered in the past year that have simply not made it to this blog and we hope to do some catching up soon!

If this resource has been helpful to you please let us know...and if you have other questions you would like us to address feel free to ask.