If I am married to the wrong person can I divorce?

Q: If a person marries and then as they grow in Christ and realize they are married to the wrong person, can they divorce since they aren't who God intended for them?

Thanks for your emailed question. I could answer this on a number of different levels…so I will provide several options. If these answers don't resolve your question with adequate clarity I would be most willing to speak to you in person.

1.    Short answer: No.

2.    Medium Answer: No. Jesus makes it clear that marriage should not be terminated in divorce. "...What God has joined together let not man separate" (Matthew 19:6). The Bible tells us that the husband should love his wife not look for another one. (Eph. 5:25). Obviously the question you ask is about differences, not about a situation involving serious abuse, infidelity, or a concern for your physical safety.

3.    Longer Answer: No. There is quite a bit of teaching in the Bible about divorce. Jesus himself spoke about it on several occasions. Divorce was not an option. In fact his teaching in Matthew 19:1-10 (briefly quoted above) was so radical that even the disciples were blown away. Verse 10 records the disciples’ response, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” Yes, if you are not looking to love sacrificially someone other than yourself that is probably true. If someone is not willing to die daily to themselves and serve another, then it is better not to get married in the first place. And that doesn’t mean “living together” without getting married…that means celibacy.

Honestly, at some point almost everyone in any marriage becomes convinced they have married the "wrong one". If this were grounds for divorce then everyone would divorce. Our feelings in this are never a reliable guide. Marriage, as taught in the Bible, is not something that is to be ended willingly. As I describe “dying to self”, I am not suggesting that we endure marriage as we would suffer through a prison sentence. On the contrary, it is only when we learn to live like Jesus that we discover the real joy of love, and even a "dead marriage" can be made alive again. Invest in prayer for your spouse and sincerely ask God to kindle a deeper love and see how He answers that kind of faithful prayer.

A follow-up question to consider: Did God love us and “marry” us only then to decide that he had loved the wrong person? No. His love for us was not based on our lovability, but on his choice to love us as an expression of his character. Though we were unfaithful and arrogant and spurned his love he did not turn away. In his love he bought us back from the traffickers of sin with his own blood. Marriage is a very serious commitment. It is intended to depict for us all the love of God for his people. The issue we have to get past is our own “hardness of heart” that leads us to objectify our marriage…to fail to love. To use a financial metaphor, when our heart is hard we tend to sell a relationship short and reinvest somewhere else with a more attractive return rate. The bottom line becomes “my needs” rather than how can I love God by loving my spouse. Any time two people with their own thoughts, feelings, dreams, and desires not to mention all their habits and flaws come together to live as one, there will be a struggle. It is not for the cowardly or weak at heart. It involves a daily dying to your own agenda and personal preferences. But when two people can confess their own selfishness and pride and follow Jesus together it can be a glorious. 

I hope this helps. Please know that I, or any of our pastors here at the church, would love to talk with you about this further.

Pastor Greg

Is it wrong for two people who are engaged to be married, to live under the same roof?

Q: “Is it wrong for two people who are engaged to be married, to live under the same roof (in the same house to save time and money) even if they have separate bedrooms, and have no sexual relations until married?” 

A: The simple answer is that we would say not to do it.  You will not find a direct prohibition in the Bible since this option would not culturally have been even thinkable at the time it was written.  The Bible was written to a culture that was very protective of the young women in their families and villages.   A young man would agree to a marriage and then spend the next year preparing a home for him and his bride (this was a betrothal, like an engagement).  This was a time of waiting, in every sense of the word.  Historically, most societies have had some traditions built into how they protect woman and prepare a young couple for marriage.  Our current society has abandoned the ones that existed culturally prior to the middle of the past century.  So many people are asking these questions in a near vacuum.  25 years ago, I might have asked you if your parents would agree to the arrangement (a rhetorical question in those days).  But we are in the second and third generations of a permissive society, so perhaps they would be fine with it.  Here are the issues:

1.       Self-Control – a couple that intends to marry is going to be increasingly drawn to one another physically (if not, there is something amiss).  To put themselves in such a vulnerable position in the privacy of their own home is an invitation to give in to desires.  Our experience as a church is that the couples who have done this almost always succumb at some point, and then feel disappointed that they did not remain committed to waiting.

2.       Honoring of Parents – as noted above, this may not be a big deal to many parents in this day and age.  But if the parents do object, the right thing for the couple to do is to take them seriously and honor them.  Granted, some family relationships can be very broken and this might not seem like a very compelling reason.  But assuming there are some good relationships with the parents, their concerns should be taken seriously.  “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12).  This is a command with a promise that it will go well with you.  Parents can be a great blessing to a couple.  Families are for life.  If living together brings disapproval or stress to the family relationships, then the larger family should be considered. 

3.       Appearance of Evil – A man who loves his bride should be concerned with protecting her honor.  He should seek every means possible to be sure that she is above reproach before believers and non-believers.  If this causes some temporary challenge financially or with respect to time, it is worth it.  It establishes a pattern of respect that will be very important to the marriage.  Even if they remain chaste, they have a witness to a world that is reticent to believe it.  They are in effect saying that living together is fine for Christians. We would also desire that your wedding day would be celebrated without reservation by all your family and friends...knowing that the vows you are exchanging be fore witnesses in church are sincere and not merely the pretending of hypocrites. We want the people at your wedding to know that you are different from the world, that your strongest love is for Jesus Christ and that your lives are surrendered to him alone, not to personal convenience. We want that confidence to start in your own hearts!

4.       Missing Out – our experience is that people who make this decision do so out of a compromise (time and money versus a biblical approach).  There is great spiritual and relational growth for couples who work through those challenges and remain committed to one another’s honor (and the avoidance of irresistible temptations and an appearance of evil).  A short cut might save a few hours and a few bucks, but result in missing out on how God would have a couple grow stronger together. 

I hope this helps you to frame the issue from a biblical perspective. Pastor Greg posted an answer to a very similar question on this blog dated January 13, 2011 (http://b4answers.blogspot.com/2011/01/is-it-ok-to-live-together-to-save-money.html?showComment=1295053645208#c7171192169152675773). 
Let us know if you have additional questions.

Blessings
Mark

Will I ever find a Christian man to marry?

Q: Marriage - I have been asking for a Christian guy to be my husband, then we can serve God together. Time flies and I am still single. Most of my bros and sis at church are married, even with kids. I spoke with a pastor and he told me to keep praying as God knows my heart. But what if God's plan is to have me stay single? Some non-christian guy approached me but how can I love someone that would not love my FATHER? Do you think if I will ever get to meet the right guy? I had a boyfriend (Christian also), I thought he was the one but he broke up with me. I now spend my days crying, what should I do? I have a feeling that God is hiding...

A: Your questions show a very real concern and express your desires and heart needs. Please understand that your desire to be married is a natural God-given heart-need and it is not wrong to long for marriage. I commend you for knowing and deciding that you should not/can not marry a non-believer. That decision would cause much heartache in the long run. I encourage you to be strong and courageous (Joshua 1:9) and keep your priorities clear. Wait for the Christian man God will bring to you.

You asked..."What if God’s plan is to have me stay single?” The Lord is always faithful. If for some specific reason God intends for you to be single...He won’t break your heart. You can trust Him because He loves you more that any one or any man ever can. (John 3:16) God will certainly show you His magnificent plan, purpose and desires for your life it you will seek Him with all of your heart. Your pastor at home gave you great advice when he said “keep praying as God knows your heart.” That is my advice also. Keep praying with a sincere heart and faith. Believe that God is faithful...because He is. Many times God is not saying “No” to us when we are waiting for something that our heart’s long for...but He is saying...”Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10) The word for “still” means...Let go; cease striving; relax. God may be saying to you...cease striving to make this happen and trust the timing to Me!

You asked...”what should I do?” My suggestion to you is...Do not be afraid or discouraged (Joshua 1:9b) I repeat, The Lord is always faithful. He will not disappoint you. He will work in your life and He will do marvelous things. Your job is to “trust in Him with all your heart and not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

What that means is this: Trusting Him with all your heart means...don’t try to make things happen. Don’t go out looking for a husband. It is God’s job to bring the husband to you that He has set apart for you.

• “Do not lean on your own understanding” means... You can’t figure this out on your own. When it seems so sad and hopeless to you; God is at work.
• “In all your ways acknowledge Him" means... declare that He is God and He is good. Give Him full & complete access to your heart and future. Trust in Him and not in what it “seems” to you. Give Him your sorrow, your disappointment, and your longing for a husband and tell Him that you will certainly trust Him and wait.
• “Let Him direct your path” means... Worship God fully and release your future in to His hands. If you let Him decide your path and future you will not miss out on anything. Be still before Him and know that He is God.

Lastly, I would encourage you to begin to pray the prayer from Colossians 1:9&10... "Fill me with the knowledge of Your will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. Help me live a life worthy of You, Oh Lord, to please You in every way; bearing fruit in good works and growing In You.”

If we pray to please the Lord with our lives and to be fruitful we will grow more like Jesus daily. That will prepare you to be a “good wife who will be prepared to bless and please her husband”. I encourage you to use these days to prepare your heart and life to become a gracious, godly, loving woman that honors and obeys the Lord and prepares her heart for all that God has planned for your future. And don't wait for a husband before you start serving the Lord!

May the Lord bless you and keep you constantly in His care,

Pastor Debi
Women's Ministry Pastor

Is it OK to live together to save money for our wedding?

Q = I know most of what the word has to teach us about pre-marital sex, and for that reason, I have chosen to repent my sins and remain sexually pure for my future husband from that date on. What I'm struggling to understand is what God says about cohabitation. I certainly don't believe in it as a means to replace the commitment of marriage, nor are we using it as such. Is it wrong to live with the person I plan to marry for financial reasons so that we can afford to have a wedding? In this case I speak of my situation, where we are not engaging in pre-marital sex, nor sleeping in the same room. And by not engaging, I don't mean pushing the envelope. I know we are not supposed to do things that would lead others to believe we are being sinful, but are we really responsible for others' assumptions? If we are being true to God and ourselves, will our marriage not be blessed? Any guidance would be helpful and much appreciated!

A = Dear Anonymous, I am very glad that you have chosen to “repent…and remain sexually pure”! It seems as though you are really asking several sincere questions about a subject that could be very contentious in today’s culture. While striving to avoid the tyranny of legalism I will do my best to give you a loving answer to each of your questions from the more philosophical to the more personal:

1. "Are we really responsible for others' assumptions?" Mostly. We of course cannot control with certainty the assumptions that people make regarding our lives. However, our contribution to their conclusions is more manageable than you might think. Our words and our actions should be above reproach. As Christians we no longer are to live for our own agendas, but for that of Christ our Savior. The most common argument against the church in general is that it is a place filled with hypocrites (people who say one thing and do another). Why would we want to give ammunition to that claim? We are called to be different from our culture. It should be obvious to others that we are different. (See→ 1 Peter 3:15-16; Titus 2:7-8; 1 Timothy 3:7; 2 Timothy 2:15, 22; Matthew 5:13)
2. "If we are being true to God and ourselves, will our marriage not be blessed?" Mostly. Being true to God means trusting Him and following Him and there is great blessing that comes with such a lifestyle. However, that doesn’t mean there won’t be problems, storms, and crises to face. Following Christ doesn’t mean smooth sailing though life, but it does mean that you will get to the other side of the lake! You will never be alone, you will have His love, forgiveness, patience, compassion, and wisdom to draw on which is far better than any of us would do on our own. The part about being true “to ourselves” is really insignificant next to our integrity before God. Marriage is not something I would want to pursue without the active involvement of Jesus Christ! An even better question is, as we surrender our own plans to the greater task of following Christ wholeheartedly wherever He leads, is marriage to each other part of the blessing He offers us? In other words, instead of asking God to bless our plans, are we willing to allow Him to work out his plan for our blessing?
3. "Is it wrong to live with the person I plan to marry for financial reasons so that we can afford to have a wedding?" Mostly. Let me re-phrase your question in a more vulgar way to make a point, and then you make the call...“Is it wrong to sacrifice my reputation and my Christian testimony to pay for my dream wedding?”  While I am sure that you would not phrase it that way, nor desire for it to be true, I think that it is very likely what is happening. If I were the one meeting with you for pre-marital counseling, I would counsel you to separate until your wedding. Why? I would not want people who attend your wedding to get the idea that you are “just like everyone else” going through the religious motions but really none of what is being said here means anything to them. I would want to be able to perform your marriage ceremony with enthusiasm birthed in the knowledge that you are really serious about your convictions. I would love for your friends to ask you questions like “Why are you guys separating until your wedding?” and for you to have an opportunity to talk about what Jesus has done for you! Ultimately it is about our love for Christ and mission as ambassadors of Christ (2 Corinthians 5:14-15, 18-20; Ephesians 5:2-4) and about who is really God in our life. It can’t be self, it can’t be our future spouse, and it can’t be money if we claim to serve Jesus. As it is written, "No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.” (Matthew 5:24) But when we honor God in all that we do then we can have an amazing testimony to our friends.

I hope this article helps you sort things out. Many years ago I met with a couple in very much the same situation as you and they decided to do the counter-cultural thing and be different by putting Christ first and separating until their wedding. Their friends thought they were crazy at first, but actually respected them for their convictions. In fact several of their friends decided to follow their example as sincere Christ-followers. Now all these years later, their marriage is vibrant and they serve as ministry volunteers in their church. Again we are available to talk to you about all this in person if you would like.