If I am married to the wrong person can I divorce?

Q: If a person marries and then as they grow in Christ and realize they are married to the wrong person, can they divorce since they aren't who God intended for them?

Thanks for your emailed question. I could answer this on a number of different levels…so I will provide several options. If these answers don't resolve your question with adequate clarity I would be most willing to speak to you in person.

1.    Short answer: No.

2.    Medium Answer: No. Jesus makes it clear that marriage should not be terminated in divorce. "...What God has joined together let not man separate" (Matthew 19:6). The Bible tells us that the husband should love his wife not look for another one. (Eph. 5:25). Obviously the question you ask is about differences, not about a situation involving serious abuse, infidelity, or a concern for your physical safety.

3.    Longer Answer: No. There is quite a bit of teaching in the Bible about divorce. Jesus himself spoke about it on several occasions. Divorce was not an option. In fact his teaching in Matthew 19:1-10 (briefly quoted above) was so radical that even the disciples were blown away. Verse 10 records the disciples’ response, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” Yes, if you are not looking to love sacrificially someone other than yourself that is probably true. If someone is not willing to die daily to themselves and serve another, then it is better not to get married in the first place. And that doesn’t mean “living together” without getting married…that means celibacy.

Honestly, at some point almost everyone in any marriage becomes convinced they have married the "wrong one". If this were grounds for divorce then everyone would divorce. Our feelings in this are never a reliable guide. Marriage, as taught in the Bible, is not something that is to be ended willingly. As I describe “dying to self”, I am not suggesting that we endure marriage as we would suffer through a prison sentence. On the contrary, it is only when we learn to live like Jesus that we discover the real joy of love, and even a "dead marriage" can be made alive again. Invest in prayer for your spouse and sincerely ask God to kindle a deeper love and see how He answers that kind of faithful prayer.

A follow-up question to consider: Did God love us and “marry” us only then to decide that he had loved the wrong person? No. His love for us was not based on our lovability, but on his choice to love us as an expression of his character. Though we were unfaithful and arrogant and spurned his love he did not turn away. In his love he bought us back from the traffickers of sin with his own blood. Marriage is a very serious commitment. It is intended to depict for us all the love of God for his people. The issue we have to get past is our own “hardness of heart” that leads us to objectify our marriage…to fail to love. To use a financial metaphor, when our heart is hard we tend to sell a relationship short and reinvest somewhere else with a more attractive return rate. The bottom line becomes “my needs” rather than how can I love God by loving my spouse. Any time two people with their own thoughts, feelings, dreams, and desires not to mention all their habits and flaws come together to live as one, there will be a struggle. It is not for the cowardly or weak at heart. It involves a daily dying to your own agenda and personal preferences. But when two people can confess their own selfishness and pride and follow Jesus together it can be a glorious. 

I hope this helps. Please know that I, or any of our pastors here at the church, would love to talk with you about this further.

Pastor Greg

Is it wrong for two people who are engaged to be married, to live under the same roof?

Q: “Is it wrong for two people who are engaged to be married, to live under the same roof (in the same house to save time and money) even if they have separate bedrooms, and have no sexual relations until married?” 

A: The simple answer is that we would say not to do it.  You will not find a direct prohibition in the Bible since this option would not culturally have been even thinkable at the time it was written.  The Bible was written to a culture that was very protective of the young women in their families and villages.   A young man would agree to a marriage and then spend the next year preparing a home for him and his bride (this was a betrothal, like an engagement).  This was a time of waiting, in every sense of the word.  Historically, most societies have had some traditions built into how they protect woman and prepare a young couple for marriage.  Our current society has abandoned the ones that existed culturally prior to the middle of the past century.  So many people are asking these questions in a near vacuum.  25 years ago, I might have asked you if your parents would agree to the arrangement (a rhetorical question in those days).  But we are in the second and third generations of a permissive society, so perhaps they would be fine with it.  Here are the issues:

1.       Self-Control – a couple that intends to marry is going to be increasingly drawn to one another physically (if not, there is something amiss).  To put themselves in such a vulnerable position in the privacy of their own home is an invitation to give in to desires.  Our experience as a church is that the couples who have done this almost always succumb at some point, and then feel disappointed that they did not remain committed to waiting.

2.       Honoring of Parents – as noted above, this may not be a big deal to many parents in this day and age.  But if the parents do object, the right thing for the couple to do is to take them seriously and honor them.  Granted, some family relationships can be very broken and this might not seem like a very compelling reason.  But assuming there are some good relationships with the parents, their concerns should be taken seriously.  “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12).  This is a command with a promise that it will go well with you.  Parents can be a great blessing to a couple.  Families are for life.  If living together brings disapproval or stress to the family relationships, then the larger family should be considered. 

3.       Appearance of Evil – A man who loves his bride should be concerned with protecting her honor.  He should seek every means possible to be sure that she is above reproach before believers and non-believers.  If this causes some temporary challenge financially or with respect to time, it is worth it.  It establishes a pattern of respect that will be very important to the marriage.  Even if they remain chaste, they have a witness to a world that is reticent to believe it.  They are in effect saying that living together is fine for Christians. We would also desire that your wedding day would be celebrated without reservation by all your family and friends...knowing that the vows you are exchanging be fore witnesses in church are sincere and not merely the pretending of hypocrites. We want the people at your wedding to know that you are different from the world, that your strongest love is for Jesus Christ and that your lives are surrendered to him alone, not to personal convenience. We want that confidence to start in your own hearts!

4.       Missing Out – our experience is that people who make this decision do so out of a compromise (time and money versus a biblical approach).  There is great spiritual and relational growth for couples who work through those challenges and remain committed to one another’s honor (and the avoidance of irresistible temptations and an appearance of evil).  A short cut might save a few hours and a few bucks, but result in missing out on how God would have a couple grow stronger together. 

I hope this helps you to frame the issue from a biblical perspective. Pastor Greg posted an answer to a very similar question on this blog dated January 13, 2011 (http://b4answers.blogspot.com/2011/01/is-it-ok-to-live-together-to-save-money.html?showComment=1295053645208#c7171192169152675773). 
Let us know if you have additional questions.

Blessings
Mark

Where are the New Answers?

Dear "Bible Answers" Readers,
We are so glad that so many of you have continued to read this blog for answers and direction over this past year...despite the lack of any new postings. We thought you might like a brief explanation.

The Bad News: For those of you who have wondered why there has been no new activity on this blog for the last year...in May of 2011 we had to reorganize our church staff to move strongly into the next phase of our ministry as a church, and at the same time to make cuts to live within our budget. As a result, there was a sizable staff lay-off, this included the pastor who was responsible for posting the answers to this blog (Greg). There were some comments added to some particular postings over the last year, but no fresh content posts.

The Good News: I (Greg) have been contracting with the church to provide content for two other blogs supporting Pastor Randy's excellent sermon series on Luke: Jesus for Everyone. One blog provides background information as well as study questions to go along with sermon notes and introductory videos that were shot on-site in Israel in Nov.-Dec. 2011 that can be viewed at http://jesus4everyone.blogspot.com/. The second blog also supports our study in Luke and contains my own Bible journaling on the relevant passages each week which can be read at http://b4lukejournal.blogspot.com/.

The Future: We intend to provide new content on this blog with some regularity going forward, as people ask questions at “Ask a Pastor” with regularity as circumstances allow. There have been a number of questions asked and answered in the past year that have simply not made it to this blog and we hope to do some catching up soon!

If this resource has been helpful to you please let us know...and if you have other questions you would like us to address feel free to ask.

Does the Bible say that depression is of the devil?

Q: "Does the Bible say that all depression is of the devil? If a believer suffers from depression is it wrong to seek relief from this via counseling and/or medication?"

A: Good question! The short answer to your first question is “Yes” (but your question deserves a long answer) …in that Satan corrupted God's original design for us, through human sin. The Bible provides good insights. In the Garden of Eden, Satan tempted our original parents to distrust the Lord, which led them to disconnect from themselves, from each other, and most importantly, from God...and in that process their thoughts and beliefs became dark and twisted. That's the nature of sin, and that has become the life story of all humans since then (except Jesus). So in light of this, depression isn't a condition God intended for any of us to experience. But life in a fallen world includes many things that God did not want us to have to experience. So how do we face them?

While the Bible doesn't use the word “depression”, Elijah, David, Solomon, and even Paul described emotions and behaviors that might have been what today we call depression. Where does this depression come from? It's not always easy to say exactly where an individual's depression comes from. Is it personal sin, misplaced hope, overwhelming circumstances, a physical disease/chemical deficiency, or a spiritual attack?

Some of David’s psalms appear to be coming from a point of depression, and they are instructive. Some of his depression came certainly from his own personal sin:
In Psalm 32 he seems depressed until he confesses his sin to God.
In Psalm 38, he seems depressed and prays a prayer of contrition to God, who lifts the burden.
In Psalm 130, he may have been depressed and asked for forgiveness and mercy, and decided to wait on the Lord for relief from his suffering.

In Matthew 7, Jesus tells believers that they are not to worry—another significant root of depression. The Bible instructs us to live lives filled with joy and praise (Philippians 4:4; Romans 15:11). God intends for us to live joyful lives. This is not easy for someone suffering from depression, but it can be healed through prayer, confession, loving support of faithful friends, Bible study, forgiveness, and even through godly counseling. That said, it is important not to become absorbed in ourselves. The Christian life is turned outward, focused on Christ and others. It is very natural for a self-focused life to become depressed. Why? Because self is always a depressing subject!

As pastors, we see depression as being like a "check engine" warning light on the dashboard of a car. Depression can be a valuable signal to us that something is not quite right in our lives and needs attention. If we ignore that signal, depression can get stronger and stronger. Learning to respond correctly to depression is very important.

You also asked "If a believer suffers from depression is it wrong to seek relief from this via counseling and/or medication?" The simple answer is no, it's not wrong. Although depression is sometimes caused by sin, it can also be caused by overwhelming life circumstances, or physical issues which cannot be cured by "bucking up." Sometimes depression can be greatly alleviated by learning new ways to respond to difficult circumstances—and that's where good friends, pastors, or counselors can be very helpful. Clinical depression is a physical condition that might need to be diagnosed by a physician, therapist, or psychologist and perhaps treated with medication. The right medication can be profoundly helpful. However, one of the risks is that a prescription could “medicate” the real issues and give us a false sense of wellbeing without dealing with the root of the problem.

The first step towards healing should always be to “check the oil” and honestly ask ourselves if there is any un-confessed sin (ranging from ineffective attitudes and unwise behavior patterns, to simple disobedience, or even willful rebellion) in our lives that we need to honestly bring to God. If there is, then be quick to repent and receive the forgiveness that Jesus so freely offers!

A second step towards healing should be to ask ourselves if we have unconsciously placed our hope in the wrong place (i.e., anything other than God). The Bible teaches us that we may need to regularly remind ourselves about this. What is the chorus of the “soundtrack of our lives”? The psalmist repeatedly addressed his own soul, “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” (Psalm 42:5-6, 11; 43:5)
Then we can, like the Apostle Paul, repeatedly, “…take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one” (Ephesians 6:16) because if it is a spiritual attack it requires a spiritual response!

Finding the unique reason for a person's depression is important. If you are struggling with depression, we invite you to talk to a pastor about that. We absolutely believe that God is our healer, and that also in some cases, seeing a doctor for depression, is how He will heal us, and in such cases it is no different than seeing a doctor for a broken bone. We would be delighted to talk and pray with you, or even to give you a list of counselors who might be helpful.

Pastors Steve, Mark, & Greg

Does God answer the prayers of people who are not yet Christians?

Q: I was shocked to hear a 'radio minister' say God does not listen to prayers of people who have not accepted Him as their Lord and Savior. Please give me some direction on this. Thank you.

A: Time to change radio stations! I only need to look to one story to answer this... that of Cornelius in Acts. Take a look at chapter 10. From the outset, in verse 2, we discover that he prays to God. In verse 4, an angel comes to him to tell him his prayers have been heard. He is told to send for Peter and here is what happened when Peter arrived:
“So Peter opened his mouth and said: "Truly I understand that God shows no partiality, but in every nation anyone who fears him and does what is right is acceptable to him." (Acts 10:34-35)

Keep in mind that Cornelius was not a man who had accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Peter subsequently told Cornelius about Jesus. Then the Holy Spirit fell on them and they believed.

When a person prays to God, He hears. The Old Testament has several examples (the people of Nineveh in Jonah 3:5-10, and Hagar in Gen 21-14-19 are two examples). In the New Testament, in addition to Cornelius, a Canaanite woman from Tyre/Sidon prayed that Jesus would deliver her daughter from a demon (Mark 7:24-30) and Jesus answered her prayer.

From testimonies people have shared with me (in addition to my wife's own testimony), one of the ways that God reveals Himself to those who don't know Him is by answered prayer.

Of course, God makes a number of statements about the believer’s prayer life and He does clarify the relationship of personal rightness before Him to his response (James 4:3; 1 Peter 3:7; and 1 John 5:14-5). God takes our prayers seriously—and so should we!

I hope that helps!

In Him,
Pastor Mark

Will I ever find a Christian man to marry?

Q: Marriage - I have been asking for a Christian guy to be my husband, then we can serve God together. Time flies and I am still single. Most of my bros and sis at church are married, even with kids. I spoke with a pastor and he told me to keep praying as God knows my heart. But what if God's plan is to have me stay single? Some non-christian guy approached me but how can I love someone that would not love my FATHER? Do you think if I will ever get to meet the right guy? I had a boyfriend (Christian also), I thought he was the one but he broke up with me. I now spend my days crying, what should I do? I have a feeling that God is hiding...

A: Your questions show a very real concern and express your desires and heart needs. Please understand that your desire to be married is a natural God-given heart-need and it is not wrong to long for marriage. I commend you for knowing and deciding that you should not/can not marry a non-believer. That decision would cause much heartache in the long run. I encourage you to be strong and courageous (Joshua 1:9) and keep your priorities clear. Wait for the Christian man God will bring to you.

You asked..."What if God’s plan is to have me stay single?” The Lord is always faithful. If for some specific reason God intends for you to be single...He won’t break your heart. You can trust Him because He loves you more that any one or any man ever can. (John 3:16) God will certainly show you His magnificent plan, purpose and desires for your life it you will seek Him with all of your heart. Your pastor at home gave you great advice when he said “keep praying as God knows your heart.” That is my advice also. Keep praying with a sincere heart and faith. Believe that God is faithful...because He is. Many times God is not saying “No” to us when we are waiting for something that our heart’s long for...but He is saying...”Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10) The word for “still” means...Let go; cease striving; relax. God may be saying to you...cease striving to make this happen and trust the timing to Me!

You asked...”what should I do?” My suggestion to you is...Do not be afraid or discouraged (Joshua 1:9b) I repeat, The Lord is always faithful. He will not disappoint you. He will work in your life and He will do marvelous things. Your job is to “trust in Him with all your heart and not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

What that means is this: Trusting Him with all your heart means...don’t try to make things happen. Don’t go out looking for a husband. It is God’s job to bring the husband to you that He has set apart for you.

• “Do not lean on your own understanding” means... You can’t figure this out on your own. When it seems so sad and hopeless to you; God is at work.
• “In all your ways acknowledge Him" means... declare that He is God and He is good. Give Him full & complete access to your heart and future. Trust in Him and not in what it “seems” to you. Give Him your sorrow, your disappointment, and your longing for a husband and tell Him that you will certainly trust Him and wait.
• “Let Him direct your path” means... Worship God fully and release your future in to His hands. If you let Him decide your path and future you will not miss out on anything. Be still before Him and know that He is God.

Lastly, I would encourage you to begin to pray the prayer from Colossians 1:9&10... "Fill me with the knowledge of Your will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. Help me live a life worthy of You, Oh Lord, to please You in every way; bearing fruit in good works and growing In You.”

If we pray to please the Lord with our lives and to be fruitful we will grow more like Jesus daily. That will prepare you to be a “good wife who will be prepared to bless and please her husband”. I encourage you to use these days to prepare your heart and life to become a gracious, godly, loving woman that honors and obeys the Lord and prepares her heart for all that God has planned for your future. And don't wait for a husband before you start serving the Lord!

May the Lord bless you and keep you constantly in His care,

Pastor Debi
Women's Ministry Pastor

How do you justify God being a God of compassion?

Q: How do you justify God being a God of compassion and mercy and love to somebody from an impoverished country who has never heard about the concept of God and has gone through immense suffering?

A: Hi Chad. I am literally writing this response from such a country. I am in Haiti where a group of us are working alongside Haitians to rebuild their country. The Haitians I am working with are joyfully confident in God, so I asked them this question. They wondered how anyone could not see the mercy and compassion of God, especially in the midst of human suffering. They see His provision daily. They recognize, correctly, that suffering is the result of man, not God. It started with the Fall and has been the continuing signature of man throughout the ages. Man’s inhumanity to man, beginning with small seeds of selfishness, culminates generation after generation in what we see today. And the sobering thing for me is that we each add to it.

Have you ever considered that God has already abundantly provided enough for all people? Isn’t there enough food produced, for instance, to feed the world? Aren’t there enough sources of clean water, and the technology to tap it, that no one should have to go without clean water? Doesn’t man have the gifts and resources, provided by God to alleviate much of the suffering you describe, and yet has not? God has provided. It is man who cannot find a way to work together to bring about what is needed to bless all people. And sin is the reason. And Jesus is the answer – eternally, in dealing with sin once for all – and temporally, when His Spirit is at work in His people to work against the forces of sin that overcome the world.

I am working alongside such people. Some are Americans who have put time aside in their lives to make a difference. Some are Haitians who are determined, with the limited resources and education they have, to make a difference. What binds us together is a God of compassion, mercy and justice who we want to serve to that end. How do I justify God being a God of compassion and mercy and love to somebody from an impoverished country who has never heard about the concept of God and has gone through immense suffering? I look around and see Him in action in spite of that very suffering.

Bondye Beni Ou (God bless you in Creole),
Pastor Mark